Bearing Witness

It is a time for closure. For taking stock, harvesting learnings and releasing what no longer serves. It has taken three years, catalyzed by the spaciousness of the pandemic, but we are finally here: to acknowledge that the chapter of Ashtanga yoga has come to a close in my life. And to mark it with one final blog post.

What does “the chapter of Ashtanga yoga” entail? It encompasses all the beliefs, assumptions and narratives around “The Method” as developed by Pattabhi Jois. It is the community that embodies and enforces these beliefs, and most of all, it is the structure of subservience inherent to all guru-based cultures.

For a full decade (2009-2019), this practice and its community gave my life a sense of purpose, meaning and a feeling of belonging while I lived in the neoliberal, libertarian paradise called Silicon Valley. I was first curious, and then very quickly got tired and resentful of living there, a place where corporations shape the landscape, where the cost of living is so astronomical that households earning 6-figure compensation packages still feel ‘poor’ or barely middle-class. A place diametrically opposed to my values.

The communities of which I was a part, though never perfect, were better than the alternative of trying to forge my own path alone as a woman of color with no local networks in a foreign land. At least we had monthly circles where some of us gathered to study the Sutras, and for a moment, ponder on the bigger questions of existence beyond the capitalist quest for hyper growth and IPO windfalls.

Over this period, despite personal reservations at different points in the journey, I fell in deep, bathed in the Kool-Aid of devotion, surrender and ‘trust’ in the guru. It is so nice and soothing to suspend the thinking mind and just follow the rules, along with everyone else, and not ask the difficult questions that pierce the bubble:

• Why are we giving over so much authority to ‘how things are done in Mysore’ when our realities are so different?
• Where does personal agency begin in the context of ‘respecting the teacher’?
• Why am I told to ‘listen to my body’, but ‘follow the count’ and ‘surrender’?
• Why is it that when I actually listen to my body and stop short of my full practice, my choice is questioned?
• Does ‘respecting the teacher’ mean being subject to verbal abuse, being stopped at one standing pose, having to repeat it for the remaining practice time because you couldn’t keep your leg straight and you can’t progress until that is ‘fixed’ according to the teacher’s standard?
• Why are questions like these so often met with Pattabhi Jois’ aphorisms like “99% practice 1% theory” as a way to avoid reflection and critical inquiry?

It seems to me that, for a supposed tool of liberation, Ashtanga Yoga in the way it is held, taught and lived today has more of a domesticating effect than creating the conditions for personal awakening and collective liberation. This is most evident in the strengthening and perpetuation of the guru’s power and influence on the community, in the wake of Karen Rain’s revelations about the harm that arises in a culture of subservience to the guru.

Even after she’s come forward, even after all the ‘sorry I didn’t know / wasn’t aware / didn’t speak up / we have to do better’ statements, the institute remains (upgraded and expanded) and the guru endures. Even after the desert gathering in December 2019 to reckon with the fallout of these revelations, to question the structures of power in this community, and chart a path forward for practitioners, the organizer of that gathering still has her name on the institute’s list, under a new shala name (despite private communication to me indicating her plans to do otherwise).

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Is ‘staying with the trouble’ in this context, a euphemism for staying complicit with legacies and structures of harm? Because trying to change the system ‘from within’ never works. Real, transformative change happens at the margins and moves towards the center. Lasting change never occurs from the center because it gets co-opted by existing structures of power to serve the powerful.

This Is How It Ends

The path to this blog post began around this time 3 years ago in the lead up to and during the guru’s pre-pandemic tour to the US. Apart from the blatant misogyny and condescension I experienced from my time working with the inner circle, the decisive trigger was discovering, via a portable hard drive, that the guru has a porn habit. I discovered this the day before I left for the NYC leg of the tour, too shocked and rattled to have done anything like take screenshots for ‘receipts’, so you will have to take my word for it. What I saw makes me say this: If I were a white, blonde female practitioner I would be extremely hesitant to do a standing forward bend in this man’s presence.

The guru knows that I know because I advised him that files in your ‘Trash’ folder remain on the drive (and are therefore visible) until you actually empty the Trash. He responded that the drive wasn’t his, that someone passed it to him and that he didn’t know what was on it. A weak lie, when his initials are written on it and the other files on the drive were things like student applications to study at the institute.

All gurus fall eventually. And the indicators of their impending downfall are usually apparent way before the actual event, for those who can see it.

Up until this blog post, only 5 people in the community knew about this. I am making this public because I no longer want to carry someone else’s secret for them. Especially when the secret has the potential to metastasize into harmful impacts on others. I want to bear witness to what I know, and am sharing it in the spirit of transparency. I know full well how the identities I present as (female, woman of color, lack of status/power/fame) render my words unworthy of attention and belief among segments of the population operating under the unconscious bias of white supremacy and patriarchy. I am not here to persuade or debate. You get to choose what to do next based on this information. Like interrogating your assumptions, to decide whether to remain complicit with a structure that has a proven record of causing harm (by grandpa guru), to walk away, to stay silent, or something else entirely. What you decide to do with this information is not my business or my responsibility.

For me, I am choosing to walk away. Ashtanga Yoga as it has been in my life, is now a tree that is way past its prime and needs to be removed to make way for new growth. It has yielded some amazing fruits along with some rotten ones, with powerful lessons about the importance of reclaiming personal sovereignty, and the pitfalls inherent in not doing so. It is now a part of me that gets to be archived, with tenderness, grace and gratitude.

Onward.

Tired

“…I identify as Tired”
~ Hannah Gadsby, Nanette

Venus’s recent retrograde through Scorpio was one helluva ride. Occurring a few days after my birthday, an occasion that I marked with a group of people who – at the time – I regarded as important and meaningful to my life, only to be shown, within the week, that about half of the guests really didn’t need to be there. Didn’t deserve to be there.

“Deserved” – yes, deserved. You see, this summer ended with a massive reset of my marriage, the effects of which recast my sense of self, my values, my understanding of boundaries. It destroyed everything I thought was real and in doing so, brought me to a deeper, profound sense of self. One that is rooted in a clear awareness of my value, my worth and what I bring to relationships. And this insight has reshaped how I evaluate the web of relationships I find myself in today. A web that I mistook for ‘real’ friendships has, upon closer inspection shown itself to mostly be a network of strong acquaintance-ships, bound by shared circumstances, rather than any real heart connection or shared values. Because I am a sociable person raised to have permeable boundaries and a strong desire to be liked, it is easy to mistake ease of socializing and shared interests as a launchpad for a true friendship that stands the test of time. This has been the same unconscious mistake I’ve made through life, and now I finally know how to end this dynamic: by knowing my worth and value, by being intentional with my care and attention, by establishing and drawing clear boundaries guided by my sense of self-worth and value system.

So, in a massive release of dysfunctional patterns that I no longer stand for, this ‘listicle’ is an overdue conclusion to Venus’ Scorpio retrograde, a potent window that surfaced all the relationship clutter that had expired and desperately needed clearing. All of these people described below are officially cancelled from my life:

• Tired of being in so-called friendships with those who don’t make the effort to keep the relationship alive. People who are comfortable in their modes of communication (ie, Facebook – this century’s cigarettes) and don’t go the extra step to meet others where they are (ie, anywhere but Facebook).
• Tired of people (usually women) who, blinded by their own disempowerment and oppression, judge, criticize and alienate those (usually other women) who assert their power and reach for what they want.
• Tired of people who lack integrity of words and action. Those who complain and criticize about a person/situation/group but does not take any action to change what is being complained about, and continues to follow the status quo.
• Tired of people who don’t listen to what you say but instead listen in order to interrupt, judge, correct, impose their ideas onto you.
• Tired of being around people who live in their comfort bubbles, who are terribly oblivious to others who experience dysfunctionality where they find comfort, and don’t make the effort to understand or to examine their role in perpetuating the dysfunctionality.
• Tired of people who don’t make the effort for anything beyond their own gratification and agendas: new pose, attention, fame, status, money. Especially the money.
• Tired of being around people who don’t “get it”. Who don’t get that Ashtanga is ultimately a heart practice, a practice to bring you back to yourself and in deeper connection with everyone and everything around you.
• Tired of feeling like I have to constantly defend the connection I have with Sharath, of the relationship I have with him and Mysore, a connection that defies words.

Humanity

An email discussion with some friends yesterday proved unexpectedly triggering. I put the brakes on and withdrew from the discussion before articulating the how, what and why of my response. I realized that the intensity of the exchanges left me feeling overwhelmed and therefore unable to fully express the depths of what I felt. It’s times like these that I’m glad I haven’t shut down this blog. Yet.

At the heart of the email thread was Guy Donahaye’s latest post, in particular this paragraph where he succinctly sums up Sharath’s conundrum.

“He is thus in an impossible position: if he acknowledges abuse then he admits to dishonesty and manipulation of the ashtanga narrative for the purpose of consolidating power. If he says nothing or denies it he is equally seen as dishonest and responsible for causing more harm. He is damned either way. The first way will undermine his authority and power but save his humanity, the second way is to lose his soul and perpetuate a cult of deceit.”

I find it noteworthy that (a) a teacher with the depth of relationship to Pattabhi Jois that he has would step up and speak up about the sexual allegations against his teacher. As he notes in this latest post, very few have done so to date. And, (b) his recognition of the position that Sharath is in and the choices he is faced with. Indeed, there is no doubt that Sharath, as the lineage holder and boss of the institute named after his grandfather needs to make a statement about these allegations and acknowledge the pain that was caused. Acknowledgement of trauma is the first step towards real healing.

And yet. AND YET. There has been nothing but silence from Mysore on this. How can this be? Speaking up about the abuse is Patanjali’s way – there’s no doubt about it! What’s taking him so long? He needs to speak up already! Yesterday!

And this is what I’m triggered by: passing judgements about what someone should be doing without any regard for the humanity of the situation. The humanity in this case, is the recognition of the massive karmic lesson that he and the institute faces right now, upon which his current authority rests, and from which he (and all the teachers on the list) draws power. To step up and acknowledge that the forces that have shaped one’s life has a harmful shadow that is now being reckoned with and has the potential to threaten the very paradigm of your life as you know it, well, that is one helluva life lesson to work through. Difficult but necessary. Recognizing the scope of that difficulty is recognizing the humanity of the person who has to face it. That this person, beyond titles and power and wealth, is first and foremost, another human like the rest of us.

The inability to recognize the humanity in others – and therefore, to have empathy – runs the risk of turning the individual into a commodity, an object devoid of history. It turns relationships into transactions. Commodifying others breeds the “taker” mentality (on our part) and enables judgement-laden expectations of others’ behavior based on how “I” would do it if I were you.

Relevant example: the commodified teacher-student relationship, where teachers are there to ‘give’ you things like asanas. Attention. Certificates. Hugs. Advice. Platitudes. And where teachers serve as a canvas (object) on which we project our fantasies and expectations of behavior. Or, conversely, where students exist as a means of satisfying teachers’ egoic needs and power trips.

Once recognized, this pattern shows up everywhere. (Exacerbated, of course, by the good folks at Fakebook who are also laughing all the way to the bank. At our expense.)

I volunteer that this attitude is a capitalist hangover and it’s time to sober up. Isn’t that why we practice? To see more clearly how we are more similar than different. To learn how to relate more authentically, deeply and radically. To effect change by relating from a place of compassion instead of the transactional (harmful) paradigms that the world currently operates on.

A humanistic approach to relationship requires the ability to hold points of view that are, on the surface, contradictory. Yes, Sharath needs to make a statement supporting victims, but also yes, this is a really difficult thing for him to do. Because history. Because culture. Because shame. Because of a whole host of reasons that we will never know about, nor do we need to in order to recognize the humanity of the situation. Any one of us could be in the same situation, facing the same sort of impossible conundrum that threatens to dismantle our life as we know it. I’m not saying the silence is justified. I’m saying, the silence needs to end but how or when it does is not within our control and it’s none of our business to be demanding that it does.

Values

Care. Humility. Integrity. Justice.

The secondary school I went to between the ages of 13 and 16 (a combination of Middle and Junior High here in the US) employed the school’s acronyms in a lesson on values and qualities that they wanted their students to embody. I thought it was a neat way to encapsulate ‘moral lessons’ for teenage girls though I did wonder for many years what “Integrity” meant. Life eventually showed me those lessons and now there’s no shortage of illustrations.

These words came up again this week as I’ve been watching and reflecting on the developments in our Ashtanga world over the past two months. How would these words apply to the current context? An attempt:

• To Care for oneself, for others and for one’s environment, rooted in empathy and compassion. Mindfulness in one’s way of being. Taking care of things. Taking care not to act (or speak or write) in a way that causes unnecessary harm.
• Humility in thoughts and actions, not only in the field of accomplishments but in relationships. Having humility above all in recognizing that you’re never going to know the full picture. You’ll never know what goes on in others’ minds, their intentions, their baggage and motivations. To have the humility to know that you don’t know and from there cultivate a receptivity that breeds compassion. Being able to see both (or many) sides.
• Integrity of being. A sense of responsibility and moral courage. Of being able to do what is right in situations where it is tempting to kick the can of accountability down the road. Aligning actions with intentions, so that your words have weight and your actions have power.
• Justice. Working for fairness, always, even within systems that are inherently unjust and exploitative and benefit off of it. To ensure that people are adequately rewarded for the effort expended in their work, their livelihoods.

In my immediate environment we’ve also had a major disruption in the form of a teacher leaving the Mysore program she built from the ground up. Her departure, for me, illuminates again two salient lessons: (1) how bloody hard it is to be a Mysore teacher of integrity, humility and dedication for your students and (2) how exploitative the studio business model is of yoga teachers and their labor.

What does it take to run a Mysore program? Sacrifice, a strong love for the practice and the method, stability of mind and heart to nurture students as you nurture and raise your own children. It is a vocation. It’s unglamorous work filled with the messiness of human relationships – projections, illusions, hopes and disappointment – and showing up daily despite all that. And imagine doing all of that while not being able to earn a living wage living in one of the most expensive regions on earth. A system predicated on grossly underpaid labor is bound to fail and this is one failure I am rejoicing in. Hopefully this is the start of something new, a new paradigm where students recognize their responsibility towards ensuring that the teachers who serve us need to be served and protected as well.

 

 

Truth

Whatever your opinions about Oprah and her work, you’ve got to admit that her speech at the 75th Golden Globes was a welcome balm for these times. Especially after reading about the impending displacement of 200,000 Salvadorans who’ve built their lives in this country for the past 17 years after escaping natural disasters back home. Heartfelt and heartlessness co-existing on a news feed. These are the times we live in.

It’s almost two months since I deactivated my Facebook account. Apart from enjoying a renewed mental spaciousness (and an increase in self-esteem), I’ve also been blissfully spared the firehose of umbrage and righteousness around Ashtanga’s MeToo moment. It is a collective purging and my heart is heavy with the weight of these stories. I stand with the women who’ve had to endure the indignity of inappropriate adjustments compounded by the disrespect of not being believed or heard. The silencing is how women internalize their powerlessness. This is also how we’re conditioned to gaslight ourselves and other women in the face of sexual assault. To preserve the status quo. The patriarchy. The guru’s impeccable legacy. The ultimate goal is to disconnect women from the truth of their experiences, and thereby disconnect them from the source of their own power, their agency. Well, I for one believe that this game’s over and that the unravelling has begun through the collective acknowledgement and healing of those among us who’ve been indelibly hurt. It’s time to speak our truth – find your voice and step up.

“What I do know for sure, is that speaking your truth is the most powerful gift we all have” ~ Oprah Winfrey.