Tired

December 14, 2018 § Leave a comment

“…I identify as Tired”
~ Hannah Gadsby, Nanette

Venus’s recent retrograde through Scorpio was one helluva ride. Occurring a few days after my birthday, an occasion that I marked with a group of people who – at the time – I regarded as important and meaningful to my life, only to be shown, within the week, that about half of the guests really didn’t need to be there. Didn’t deserve to be there.

“Deserved” – yes, deserved. You see, this summer ended with a massive reset of my marriage, the effects of which recast my sense of self, my values, my understanding of boundaries. It destroyed everything I thought was real and in doing so, brought me to a deeper, profound sense of self. One that is rooted in a clear awareness of my value, my worth and what I bring to relationships. And this insight has reshaped how I evaluate the web of relationships I find myself in today. A web that I mistook for ‘real’ friendships has, upon closer inspection shown itself to mostly be a network of strong acquaintance-ships, bound by shared circumstances, rather than any real heart connection or shared values. Because I am a sociable person raised to have permeable boundaries and a strong desire to be liked, it is easy to mistake ease of socializing and shared interests as a launchpad for a true friendship that stands the test of time. This has been the same unconscious mistake I’ve made through life, and now I finally know how to end this dynamic: by knowing my worth and value, by being intentional with my care and attention, by establishing and drawing clear boundaries guided by my sense of self-worth and value system.

So, in a massive release of dysfunctional patterns that I no longer stand for, this ‘listicle’ is an overdue conclusion to Venus’ Scorpio retrograde, a potent window that surfaced all the relationship clutter that had expired and desperately needed clearing. All of these people described below are officially cancelled from my life:

  • Tired of being in so-called friendships with those who don’t make the effort to keep the relationship alive. People who are comfortable in their modes of communication (ie, Facebook – this century’s cigarettes) and don’t go the extra step to meet others where they are (ie, anywhere but Facebook).
  • Tired of people (usually women) who, blinded by their own disempowerment and oppression, judge, criticize and alienate those (usually other women) who assert their power and reach for what they want.
  • Tired of people who lack integrity of words and action. Those who complain and criticize about a person/situation/group but does not take any action to change what is being complained about, and continues to follow the status quo.
  • Tired of people who don’t listen to what you say but instead listen in order to interrupt, judge, correct, impose their ideas onto you.
  • Tired of being around people who live in their comfort bubbles, who are terribly oblivious to others who experience dysfunctionality where they find comfort, and don’t make the effort to understand or to examine their role in perpetuating the dysfunctionality.
  • Tired of people who don’t make the effort for anything beyond their own gratification and agendas: new pose, attention, fame, status, money. Especially the money.
  • Tired of being around people who don’t “get it”. Who don’t get that Ashtanga is ultimately a heart practice, a practice to bring you back to yourself and in deeper connection with everyone and everything around you.
  • Tired of feeling like I have to constantly defend the connection I have with Sharath, of the relationship I have with him and Mysore, a connection that defies words.
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