Questions

December 5, 2012 § 9 Comments

Why am I doing this practice?

Why does dropping back scare the shit out of me?

Why can’t I drop back on my own without hitting my head on the floor – two days in a row?

What is the point of all this intense backbending?

Why do I feel so inadequate?

Am I here at the right time in my practice?

Should I have waited a few more years before practicing here, to get those floaty jumpbacks/jumpthroughs nailed down?

Maybe I am never going to manage floaty jumpbacks/jumpthroughs – does this make me less of an Ashtangi?

Why am I envious of others’ ease and flexibility, but blind to my own successes?

Am I strong enough to do this?

Why do I push myself?

Why do I feel so raw and broken?

What am I doing here?

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§ 9 Responses to Questions

  • Anne Finstad says:

    Honey I’ve been practicing for 16 years and don’t have floaty jumpbacks. Even if you did it doesn’t actually impress Sharath. Not in my experience or anything I’ve ever heard him or Guruji say.

    You are scared because you are facing your fears.

    And this brokenness and facing yourself. This is the real practice of ashtanga yoga. Much more than the oh isn’t this great and don’t I feel great yoga. The good times come too, but this is the chance to look at the “poisons” coming out. To look at the patterns of your own mind when you are feeling broken down.

    This is the real deal. This is the tapas and yoga happening. And you are showing up, you are doing it, and I hope you are able to see it.

    • D says:

      I’ve heard it said somewhere that the practice is like a mirror and that you’re not going to like what you see….most of the time. Seeing my fears in there (so much fearing!) sure isn’t pretty….

  • Grimmly says:

    David Williams arrived there without having practiced ashtanga at all. Nancy Gilgoff too and she had to be lifted in and out of her jump backs. Hope tomorrow’s a better day and if not tomorrow then the next

    • D says:

      Today was indeed better – thank you Grimmly. And also for reminding me about David’s and Nancy’s start in ashtanga. Part of the inadequacy I’m feeling comes from the fact that the ‘standard’ of practice at the shala is pretty high, in terms of how advanced people are….doing 2nd, 3rd series. I know for a fact that, beyond a point, the physical practice doesn’t mean much in the bigger scheme of things but still….one does get distracted by the number of beautiful practices happening around one’s mat when one is struggling just to last through the primary series.

      Pratyahara fail for sure 😉

  • mariavlong says:

    Every explorer, even the best prepared ones are surprised at the many unexpected challenges of the territory. True adventures are all consuming. Rooting for you D!

  • anne says:

    Remember the words you used in your first Mysore post: “… I’ve started to realize (albeit a little late) that this journey has a life all of its own and that I’m just in it for the ride”. That’s why you’re here.

  • […] fertile for new seeds to take root and grow. The whole endeavor will be a little puzzling at first, sometimes it is difficult, but that’s just India washing out the edges of the Western mind in order to prepare you for […]

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